Month: October 2019

Time Perception

Time moves differently in heaven and hell. I’ve heard that in science fiction stories and have seen it on cable shows such as American Horror Story. I believe it and wholeheartedly agree.

When manic, my mind races so fast that I feel as though an hour is packed into a single minute. What is more dreadful, I find, is the perception of time during a depressive state. I have just come out of a depressed dip that only lasted a few days, but upon emerging back into the world, I thought I had been down for weeks.

(Getty Images)

Luckily, I saw my doctor last week and was given some advice to help my sleeping issues, which I truly believe caused a lot of the mess I experienced. That depression was coupled with an intense amount of anxiety, and the two together kept me down, asleep for the last few days, partly because my mental state knocked me down so badly that I became physically ill as well.

Surviving the bouts of depression and anxiety feels as though it takes years because of how intense those feelings are and time truly moves slower and faster all at the same time. I’m glad I’m getting better and hope it continues.

How are you guys?

Do you experience time warps and skews?

Making The Most

Lots of energy has swooped in tonight. Actually, started yesterday. Being careful it doesn’t spiral me out of control the other way. Depression’s messy complete opposite, Mania. However, I did go ahead and take advantage and get some work done, such as laundry, cooking, adding pics of stuff to online garage sale, etc. Might as well do something instead of sitting there… not sleeping.

I think I personally have to make the most of the energy when I can to stay on top of things, even if everyone else is sleeping. Any of you guys do this,

Whoa That Came Out Of Nowhere

10.15.19 blog entry

So, this is a vulnerable but honest and important entry. It’s necessary to discuss this part of Bipolar.

My mood has not been consistent for a while now, but it hasn’t been too terrible as far as extremes. I’m functioning. I’m not always thrilled about it. Sometimes I move too fast and say something I regret, or I exacerbate my fibromyalgia and physically hurt more than normal, but I’m functioning.

Then, boom!

Two nights ago, some serious mania and psychosis set in, full on with hallucinations of someone who was not really there, and then (and this is the part I’m afraid to share but will…) I really wanted to score some cocaine and have enough for a few days. I’ve not done cocaine in over two decades, and I never have a desire to do so. Yet, there it was. Of course, I have no money and more importantly, don’t know anyone who does or sells cocaine. I mean, obviously. Why would I? I used the drug when I was 16 years old for a six month time span relatively soon after my dad’s sudden, unexpected death. My home environment at the time was terrible. Mom always depressed in bed or gone to work, leaving me with a drunken step-father who… and I kid you not… we later found out was a murderer.

blog cocaine

(Image Credit: flickr)

Look, I’m not trying to say I should have ever done drugs, but I am providing some context for the situation.

Anyway, as I was actually physically itching for it, it occurred to me I could crush some of my pain pills and snort them. Now, thank goodness I didn’t totally lose the plot. I spoke to a friend for a while, and gave my meds to my husband. And I took care of the hallucination in the short hallway from our room to our bathroom by simply turning on the light. I took two PRN meds I’m allowed to take per my doctor (PRN meds to help sedate and even things out for issues just like this) and took a couple of Melatonin and fell asleep (finally!) around 6 or 7 a.m. and slept a good, long while. I woke and everything was back to normal. Whatever Bipolar-normal is… sigh.

I think maybe one thing that led to it is my sleeping cycle has become so much worse. Luckily, I was able to secure an appointment with my psychiatrist next week, and I’ll relay all of this, and we’ll work on preventing this from happening again because it was as if a whole new person had taken over my body.

But that’s the trouble with Bipolar. Does that shit to you sometimes. I hate it.

The Truth

10.11.19 Blog Entry

So, I was going to write an entry about things that help lift my spirits when I’m low, or things that help calm me when I’m anxious.

Hell, here is the list.

So, there are some youtubers I’m enjoying watching – commentary with a sarcastic humor (not sarcastic mean, sarcastic funny). Anyway, a couple are James Marriott and Ryland Adams. Rich Lux beauty influencer and commentary. And that fan! LOL! Also, a few channels about music/films/tv are Whatculture, Watchmojo, Looper, and some who post celebrity and artist videos the Zach Sang Show. I also watch animal rescue channels like Hope for Paws and donate $5 when I can.

But none of that is distracting/helping me.

Of course, I’m happy to see Steven working and being so motivated. Proud of him. I’ve cuddled with the cat. Trying to enjoy conversation with Kirk and mom.

Nope.

I began a subscription to skillshare.com and am taking a couple of classes on it. One is about how to start a YT channel and the other is about drawing birds. But that’s not inspiring right now.

Marvel movies, sci fi and fantasy magazines, even audiobooks are not doing it for me.

Sometimes I can distract myself for an hour or so playing Spades or Scrabble. Has it been working? You guessed it – no.

Music is the one thing that might be helping a bit to finally sleep. I’ve had so much joint pain the last several nights. I lie there and try to sleep and just moan and cry in pain despite the medication to help it and melatonin even sometimes so I can sleep. It’s at that point, if I’ve had to take a crap-ton of meds that I might fall asleep listening to some fav music, but for a long, long time now, we’re talking fall asleep around 5 a.m., and it’s certainly not a restful few hours of sleep thereafter. Nothing restorative.

I’ll be honest. I’m pissed. And on top of all of that, our finances are in shambles. I think we’re gonna have to move. This is EXACTLY why I never unpacked and decorated. Didn’t want to believe this house could really be mine, and I was right. I’m just gonna throw everything away. My husband has an important job in ministry, but it does not pay well, and I’m disabled. So, keeping it real, we’re not gonna retire someday and have a nice house. So, why keep my shit. I’m just gonna toss it. And I’ve got to figure out a way to work despite my disabilities.

I just wanna go home.

It’s probably not good that I say that because years ago when I first had my manic psychotic break, until I was diagnosed and properly medicated and seeing a therapist, I would freak out and have spells and they always started with, “I wanna go home.” I don’t know where that is because I had never lived in a nice house/home/situation until I had my son, so don’t bother wondering or asking. I’m so tired.

I really hope you guys are feeling better than me. Didn’t intend to be a downer, but this blog is supposed to show all sides of my life with Bipolar Disorder. I could have written about things that sometimes help me feel better and cope better, but today, those things are lies. And I’m finished lying. Here’s even more honesty, if my son didn’t live with us, had his own life elsewhere, I would probably tell my husband I need to go to a mental behavioral hospital.

Fuck.

Maybe I can figure a way out to attend a support group (no charge and multiple people like yourself talking and sharing) or therapy. I think my therapist was charging $50 per session. She doesn’t do insurance (who can blame her, it’s a nightmare), so if I can prove our financial situation is even worse now, maybe I could see her a couple of times a month at $40 a pop. Supposed to be the best country in the world, right?

Yet my constant medical issues continue to drag us down and not allow for a bit better of a life. Even my son is starting to get it. He had to go to the ER. Now, even with insurance, and I was so surprised by his response to a $700 bill. He said, “But I was sick, and my insurance paid some of it. Why are they trying to put me in debt already just because I was sick.” From the mouth of babes, huh? I provided no satisfactory reason to him. He also has asked me so many times, “Why are so many Vietnam vets in our town homeless… there’s a vet hospital here.”

Wow. Umm.

Explained that the best I could. Is it any wonder I’m tired and wouldn’t mind if I just kept on sleeping. Is it any wonder I wanna go to this “home” that I mention when things are slipping out from under me. Losing the plot, I fear. I’m gonna go listen to some music and make myself sketch. Or maybe read from the Fantasy & Science Fiction Extended Edition. Damn it! It’s just gone past 3 a.m.

How are y’all?

How Halsey’s Music Describes Mania

Blog Entry 10.9.19

 

So, as regular readers and friends know, I love Halsey. She’s such a brilliant artist – not just singing, but painting, drawing, video production – just an absolute beautiful artist. Such an inspiration.

She also has Bipolar Disorder. I’m a fan of this video from a channel called The Kingdom on youtube (we in the kingdom love, love, love Halsey). I am in awe of how well this translates some of Halsey’s music on her upcoming Manic album to Bipolar symptoms. I hope you take the four minutes to watch and let me and others know your reactions. Thanks.

How are you guys? Chime in.

 

*Special thanks to @halsey & @imthekngdm